Dealing Well With Disagreement
By Mary Mitchell 
 
Disagreement is part of life. A big part. That is why it's so important to master the skills to disagree effectively.

Two caveats, whether you're disagreeing with your boss, a colleague or a subordinate: First, pick your spots.

Deflection is the First Line of Defense
If you disagree in front of others, chances are you will derail the interchange. Public criticism is the most ineffective way to hold a conversation, much less change someone's mind or behavior. When we are criticized in front of others, instead of listening, we mentally build our defense.

So, should a dispute come on in public, deflect it whenever possible by saying something like, "I'd like to think about that for a bit and speak with you later. This really is not the best place for the discussion."

Don't Let Your Tone of Voice Betray You
Second, learn this essential skill: Say, "It's raining outside." It is likely that you can make that statement with little or no emotion in your voice. That's the same tone of voice you need to employ when speaking the lines in the previous paragraph. Otherwise, you will come off as a bully or a whiner. It takes practice. It can be done.

Remember that our reactions to any situations will usually determine the outcome. We instigate the reaction in others, and usually do so subconsciously. Never forget your own power to communicate.

Here are some "Fair Fighting Tips" that should help you improve and clarify your message when you find yourself in a confrontational situation. 

1. Use "I" Language 
There is one word that, most assuredly, will cause someone to become defensive. That word is "you".

Whenever we think we are being judged, our automatic, human reaction is to become defensive. The moment we become defensive, communication stops. The other person stops listening because they are building their defense.

An "I" statement sounds like, "I've been doing this for so long that I might not have been clear," instead of, "You misunderstood what I was trying to say."

2. No "Zinging" 
Many of us think a little, friendly "zing" is harmless. It's not. And it's not fair fighting. For example, "Hey, I like your hair today. Did you wash it?" What happens when someone zings us? We zing back, and so on and so on.

One of the leading indicators of underlying negativity or conflict within a social structure or work environment is increased sarcasm. Perhaps you've heard the phrase, "innocent, harmless sarcasm?" The word "sarcasm" has its root in a Greek word that means "to rip and tear flesh!" What is innocent or harmless about that?

3. Don't Chase Rabbits
In other words, stick to the topic at hand. Generally, when someone chases rabbits, our initial reaction is confusion. Confusion leads to impatience. Impatience leads to resentment.

In other words, by not sticking to the point, we can create a negative emotional response in others.

4. Don't Interrupt 
Mom was right! It's not only rude, but it creates the opposite of what we often want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or shorten the conversation.

In fact, the opposite is true. When any of us are interrupted, our first reaction is to think, "They didn't hear me." Or, "They don't understand."

And our automatic, human reaction is to begin to paraphrase and restate ourselves, thereby lengthening the conversation. Let people say what they need and want to say, fully. If you do that, and people continue to paraphrase themselves, going on and on, then you should employ the next tip.

5. Restate What You Heard 
It would sound something like, "If I've understood you correctly, you feel the problem is thus-and-such, and I felt it was so-and-so. Is that correct?"

If we have restated their message correctly, their reaction most often will be, "Good! I have been understood."

Then you can move on to the next issue.

6. Ask Questions That Will Clarify, Not Judge
Asking another human being questions is the best way to understand them. It is how we ask them that makes the difference. Whenever someone asks me, "Why?", I revert to five years old and want to say (hands on hips), "Cuz!"

"Why" puts people on the defensive, and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than fosters it. Use these words - Who, What, When, Where and How - to begin questions. 

7. Stay in Today, Not Yesterday
When we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to bring up past conflicts or to point fingers. Blaming is a judgment. The other person becomes defensive, and communication ends. If the past must be discussed, refer to it; don't throw it up in anyone's face, like couples tend to do in the heat of an argument. Talk about today, the present, and the behavior you see. Talk about the future and the type of behavior you would like to see.

These principles work. Just as with everything else, we need to practice them for about a month before they become habit. And while most likely they are merely reminders of what you already know, ask yourself, "Do I practice them?"

As one of my favorite teachers said, "We all know what to do. Successful, effective people do what they know."