Condolence Letters

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Condolence Letters
By Mary Mitchell

A True Comfort to the Bereaved
Few gestures are as meaningful to someone who's lost a loved one than a condolence letter.

Losing a parent, child or sibling is a life experience that one has to go through to fully understand. When you do, you'll never let another person's loss go by without offering your condolences.

There is No Substitute for Kindness
No matter what else you have done - attended the funeral, sent flowers, paid a visit to the home of the bereaved, telephoned, sent an e-mail - the condolence letter will stand out for its kindness.

Such letters are both comforting and diverting for those who have lost a family member. Some even become part of a family history to be passed down to future generations.

Forget about buying sympathy cards or condolence cards. They are impersonal and the easy way out. Besides, true feeling can't be pre-packaged.

Write From the Heart
Write your letter in ink. Use a fountain pen if you have one. A ballpoint will do if you don't, but it's not very refined. Rollerball pens come a close second to fountain pens, followed by felt-tip pens. Use black ink.

If you own personal notepaper, use it. If not, purchase the best-quality stationery you can - go to a good department store or jeweler.

If your handwriting is hard to read, go ahead and type the letter. Sign it in ink, though.

What you write depends on how you feel. Write from the heart. Don't try to be formal; it comes out wooden and impersonal. At the very least, acknowledge your friend's loss. Say how sad you are about it. If you and the deceased shared time together, mention specific memories. That might sound something like, "Although he won't be around, his famous Fourth of July cookouts will be with me each holiday." Say how much the person will be missed, by others as well as yourself. Offer your friend your help.

Celebrate Their Life
The condolence letter is the place to recall in more detail the special characteristics of the deceased, visits to your home, lessons learned from that person, good times shared, and so forth.

Such reminiscences celebrate the life of the deceased rather than being morbid and depressing about the loss. The family will treasure the shared memories of that life and times.

Don't make the mistake of overemphasizing how much you personally feel bereaved. The purpose of the letter is to comfort others, not to make them feel sorry for you.

What About E-Mail?
People often ask if sending an e-mail condolence letter is OK. If you are in regular e-mail communication with someone, then take advantage of the immediacy of the medium. It can be highly comforting.

Still, follow it up with a personal note, even if you end up repeating yourself. There is something about handling the letter that can't be matched, and a printout just isn't the same. When my own mother died, my mentor and friend Letitia Baldrige (former White House social secretary) sent me a truly wonderful e-mail.

I had come home from the hospital in the middle of the night and wrote her a "stream of consciousness" e-mail before I went to bed. When I awoke, her immensely comforting words were waiting for me. Yet it was her handwritten condolences that I saved.

Pay attention to good grammar and spelling, but don't obsess about it. The person who receives your letter will not notice your "wordsmithing" skills nearly as much as the fact you took action.